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Author Topic: I have just found this site  (Read 8010 times)
Laineyd
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« on: April 16, 2009, 07:45:15 PM »

I don't feel alien here, I know that you all feel the same way I do.  My little boy Arrin died on the 13th of January 2008, he was 2 years and 8 months old at the time.  On boxing day 2007 arrin started to show signs of a viral infection, but after 3 days of continually getting worse I took him to the nearest hospital. I was told to give him anti-biotics for three days and if it hadn't cleared by then I was to take him back to the hospital.  It didn't clear up, it just got worse so I took him to the nearest pediatric hospital where he was admitted and discharged 3 times with the same diagnosis.  It was the Saturday after New Year and my dad came round he took one look at Arrin and he phoned an ambulance, Arrin was returned to the pediatric hospital where he was in fact kept in this time, on the Wednesday Arrin took a stroke and was transferred to RHSC in Edinburgh, the staff there were fantastic but by then things had escalated too much and Arrin died.  It turns out the E-coli from his digestive system had leaked from his stomach into his blood stream and played havoc to the extent where his blood clotted cutting the blood supply off from the right side of the brain.  I only found this out after the autopsy was completed.  I'm more than a year on and I'm miserable, there isn't a day goes by that I don't question what happened and why it happened.  I feel lost and alone most of the time, but I don't want to talk to my family or my boyfriend because I don't want cause them any distress. I'm only 27 and right now I don't see the point in going on.  I have had grief counselling and I am doing better than what I was last year but I feel like I have hit a wall now.  Can anyone relate with this feeling?
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Cam 06
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« Reply #1 on: July 14, 2009, 10:57:41 AM »

I am 3 years on after losing my first born and only son Cameron aged 6 years in 2006.  I tried counselling but i think i tried it too early on, I didn't like speaking about it, I think I was trying to block it out which I succeeded in doing until now.  He passed away very suddenly, he was watching TV, I heard him making a funny noise and found him unconcious, my husband did CPR but his heart stopped, the ambulance arrived and they continued CPR until we got to hospital and they tried their best too but after 20 mins they called us and told us the worst imaginable news.  We later found out that he had a heart defect that he would have been born with and are still waiting confirmation of what type of condition he had.   I struggle every day to continue on without him but i have 2 girls and have to for their sakes.  I want for them the same happy life that Cameron had.  I try to keep the tears to night time or when I am alone.  I dont really talk about how I feel as my husband and parents are also grief striken and I don't want to worry them any more.  It does not get any easier i think you just get used to feeling this way.  Dont get me wrong there are days when I laugh and have fun with my kids and these days are more often now but he is always in my thoughts and everything I do or buy is with him in mind.  we just had a holiday there and I got an artist to sketch my girls and Cameron from photos and it is my most treasured possession to have them all together in a picture.  My 2nd daughter was born after he went, she has brought us all so much joy and keeps me busy.  My car number plate is CAM and as his fav colour was red my bedroo  is red and now most of my clothing is red.  I like to keep him with us as I feel he is, he is just growing up in heaven with my family, just around the corner, somewhere very near.  It's my way of coping, he is not gone and one day when its our turn we will see him again. 

There are many times I struggle when I see his school pals playing happy and I think why is he not there with them, its just not fair and its not but there is nothing I can do.  Its a hard life to lead now.

Take care  x x
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ivan
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« Reply #2 on: July 15, 2009, 11:59:05 AM »

Hi
Sorry about your loss and you ay realise from this site u are not alone in going through the daily struggle of survival.......I lost my 20yr son in 2005 ..car accident..he was a passenger...we the victims of some sort seemed to abandoned by all..how i feel.......so i have decided to write my book about it all for other to b educated...including professionals... tried all but nothing changes.........still in a depression mood i am....wi;; eventually get better?.....only time will tell.   its day by day living with little interest in life.....keep strong....for the rest of the family........i agree ...gone but still around us all the time..
stay in touch via this forum......
have strength.....
ps.... you may send me content to put in my book if u wish

bless

ivan
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Terri
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« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2009, 07:50:19 AM »

Hi all, i have just found this site too. The one thing i have seen in common all thru this process is that the pain NEVER goes away. U just learn to live with it better.
We lost our daughter to Ewings sarcoma after a 5 year battle with it. she died at 18 years..............that was 5 years ago......................the pain NEVER goes away. But u put on a happy face.................and give life another go tomorrow......it works, but is hard, a bit like a rollercoaster. one minute ok, next minute.struggling.Anyone else like that? would love to hear happy coping stories................and i will support anyone needing help. chin up everyone..............T
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ivan
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hi
« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2009, 10:25:13 AM »

i agree with you...also lost son 20yr ...3yrs ago. ...i have discovered as time passes you cope slightly better on a daily basis, never goes away...takling to him helps...find something to focus on also helps......I know from this website I am not alone, as many other come onto it and tell their agony....
Stay strong and remember as I hve found out.. no one helps..u have to help yourself.

Coming to this site---YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Ivan
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Terri
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« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2009, 10:42:43 AM »

Hey ivan, yes i agree, no one can help. that was the first misconception i had. im doing it an odd way..................i am quite happy to talk about her.............but not one photo, piece of clothing, recording  anything too close. That just doesnt happen,............... this way seems to give me control over when and where i might want to see/hear her!  seems to help. Why r u feeling abandoned? circumstance?Terri
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ivan
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Hi
« Reply #6 on: July 18, 2009, 11:13:21 AM »

To my amazement most of the people i knew beforehand have dissappeared...why?....good question.....i try and keep myself focused on ceratin aspects of life...life finishing off my memoirs.....like possibly others cannot lookat his photos.......he feels  around me....sometimes feeling is life worthit....mu parents in their 80s  i visit most days.. unfair the way life takes its course..
rgds
ivan
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